Australia Day: Shiny Heads & Murky Tails

You may have noticed I did not wish you a “Happy Australia Day” last week, and now you may be realising that this year’s post will not be like the one I wrote last year about the January 26 celebration.

If I didn’t blog about this subject earlier is because I actually needed to think about this one carefully.

Everytime you say “Happy Australia Day” in public, you’re basically tossing a coin up in the air, and depening on who’s listening, you may either get heads of approval or tails of rejection. But the one thing that’s certain is that you won’t get both.

Last year’s post still applies, but that’s only the shiny side of the Australian coin; let’s call it heads. This year, I’ll give you tails; the side of the coin that most people choose to lay on the table face down.

Why can’t you just say “Happy Australia Day” and be done with it?

Well . . . it’s complicated.

Australia Day commemorates the arrival of the first invasion fleet of convicts settlers to this vast land inhabited by peaceful indigenous people uninhabited piece of infertile land.

You may now be sensing why saying “Happy Australia Day” may not be as simple as the average Joe may think. For conceited bastards like me those of us who are known for our brilliance, it is unacceptable to remain ignorant about an important subject such as this while you live in this country. So, allow me to enlighten you with . . .

A Short History Lesson

I come from Latin America, and as some of you may know, the Spaniards killed every single Native American who stood in their path after their arrival in 1492. The indigenous men who were stupid naive enough to believe the Spaniards were gods were spared, but were then forced to sit around while their women were viciously raped given a leading role in the creation the deadly hybrid race which paved the way for genetically superior humble beings like me to dominate the blogosphere five centuries later. The Spaniards, in their infinite wisdom, had it all figured out before Columbus’ fleet even left port.

They shoved their religion down the native’s throats at gunpoint taught Christianity to the godless natives, killed their wise elders offered generous retirement plans to their ageing population, and forced invited native women into the beds of evil loving white men.

Slowly but surely, the indigenous population was successfully assimilated either as slaves, helpers, or au-pairs. Children of white men and native women were raised as whites, thus securing their rightful place in the new society with priviledges that no black or native could ever hope for. This new race was known as “blanco-criollo” (Caffe Latte), and the race derived from the mix of a black woman and a white man was known as “Mulato” (Caffe Mocha).

Then, mulatos and blacks (stronger but not very compliant) were mixed with natives (weaker but fully compliant) in an effort to create the perfect slaves. This new race of “Sambos” (Caramel Macchiato), as planned, inherited the attributes of their parents and became indomitable sex machines the favourite slave race.

Sambos then nailed everything in their path mixed with blanco-criollos, natives, whites, blacks and probably even dogs, which explains the multiracial society which now populates all of Latin America . . . as well as our ability to blend in well in other cultures, our high libido, and our bitchy attitude about life in general.

Thanks to the Spaniards’ masterful colonisation of our lands, we Latin Americans are now able to take our nations to war over a soccer game enjoy a decent place in today’s multicultural society.

So, what has this got to do with Australia day?

A lot.

You see, the British did not share the Spaniards’ wisdom. So, rather than assimilating the Australian aboriginals, they isolated them. Then, they had the “brilliant” idea to kidnap their children to “civilise” them, but half-way through their efforts, they were like, “Heck no, this is too hard,” and eventually kicked them all out to the street gave them back their freedom.

After having lost everything, the aboriginals who survived the slaughter, the isolation and the kidnappings, forgot the best of their culture, learned the worst of the British, and were cast out by a society that was then dominated by white supremacists.

Not long ago, a public apology was issued by the Australian government to the aboriginal people for their “mismanagement” as colonists, and while efforts are now in place to help aboriginals fully integrate into today’s multicultural society via a myriad of social programs, school grants, affirmative action legislation, job placement assistance, etc., the damage that’s been done over the years is far too great to go away in the foreseeable future.

Therefore, saying “Happy Australia Day” is viewed by a lot of people as endorsement of what the white invaders settlers did to the Australian aboriginals . . .

. . . which is why aboriginal leaders and sympathisers openly protest every January 26, especially after government leaders go on TV wishing everybody a “Happy Australia Day”.

The photo above shows Prime Minister Julia Gillard being dragged out of a restaurant where she was having lunch with opposition leader Tony Abbott.

While concerns about their security were justified (as the protesters “could potentially” break into the restaurant), her STUPID security detail decided it was smarter to drag her out like a sack of potatoes to shove her into a town car AS IF she was being the target of an assassination attempt. It was irrational, unnecessary, and SHAMEFUL, as the whole scene was caused by the Prime Minister’s own security; not by the protesters.

Día de la Raza

In Venezuela, the day the Spaniards arrived is known as, “Día de la Raza”, or in English, The Day of the RACE. Not because anyone waved a chequered flag as the Spaniards set foot on terra firma, but because of the racial impact their arrival had in the American continent. Therefore, this day is not viewed as a day to celebrate, but simply as a day to acknowledge that we are now a multiracial society because of Columbus’ arrival.

Nobody ever says “happy race day!” where I come from. The government will play a documentary or a movie on TV to commemorate the arrival of the Spaniards and schools will organise plays and musicals about the “first encounter” where the Spaniards gave mirrors to the natives in exchange for gold and precious stones.

Aw, it’s so cute! It’s just like reenacting a hold-up at a convenience store. Parents love it.

The newspaper will have an article or two about the day’s significance to englighten our ignorant masses (who don’t read the newspaper anyway), and of course, the highways will get clogged with hundreds of thousands of vacationers who will head out to the beach to get drunk and shoot at each other, to then post their videos on youtube.

. . . and that’s why people like me choose to live abroad.

Viva Australia.