ANTS!!! . . . and how to get rid of them

When mere mortals hear of Australia, the first image that comes to their mind is usually a creature of some sort; a kangaroo, a crocodile, a koala, a white shark, a spider, a snake . . . and when it comes to creepy crawlers, without a doubt, spiders take the cake.

NEVERTHELESS, if you were to ask ME to define Australian wildlife with one word, I’d probably say, “ANTS!”. And if you let me use two words, then I’d probably say, “goddamned ants!”, although technically, you could say that’s three words, but who’s counting?

Ants are by far the most annoying pest with which I’ve had the pleasure of dealing in the magical Land of Oz. No matter how tidy you keep your house, the “goddamned ants” will find their way inside through a 1 millimeter crack in the top right-hand corner of a 4-inch-thick security door plated with unobtainium.

Here in Australia, you know it’s summer when you start taking a deep breath as you open the door to your house after having spent the whole day at work. You take a deep breath because you know, you just do, that you will find something hideous inside, and you’re only praying that you won’t find it in the thousands.

While it’s true that ants are about the most harmless creeters with which you may have to deal in your home, they are also one of the most difficult pests to get rid of (next to your in-laws*). So, I pushed my gatlin gun onto the area of operations, loaded it with spider killer, and sprayed hell all over the path of my enemies. The ones that found themselves in my direct line of fire died instantly (probably from “drowning”), and after spraying half a litre around the cornice of the whole house, the last of the ants finally succumbed to its misery. The next day, the paint of the walls and ceiling was stained from the venom, and the little bastards were back . . . with a whole new army of clones! There was a trail of literally thousands of ants crawling all over the super deadly spider killer that I had sprayed over their path a day earlier, and they were completely immune to it.

So, I prayed to Saint Bunnings for a solution, and boy, did I get an answer! I bought a RAID ant killer spray for $10. The best $10 I’ve spent in mass murder EVER! As opposed to standard bug killer, this one is specially made for ants, and it kills on contact. It’s actually quite a sight. Spray once and you’ll instantly see the ants plunging from the wall to their fiery death below (because, you know, they probably died from the fall, right?). This particular spray also smells delicious. Seriously! I’m not kidding. The house will smell like potpurri, so much that you’ll forget that you’re breathing POISON. Not for long, though, as soon you’ll be coughing your lungs out if you inhale as much as I did. Good stuff though.

I also bought a 3-litre pack of spider killer to replenish my old supply, as well as some other nifty little weapons that will make my uninvited creepy house guests ask Hugo Chavez for amnesty.

That’s something you don’t factor in the budget when you’re planning to move to Australia; how much you’ll be spending every summer on insecticide. Easily, I spend about $300 . . . and in case you haven’t been following me for a while, my house is pristine, so if “I” have to spend $300 on insecticide, that means you’ll probably have to spend at least twice as much . . . unless you like your cereal very crunchy.

Actually, let me rephrase some of that. My house is “usually” pristine. “Usually” meaning whenever I’m the last one to cook or clean. Else, imperfections might survive the audit and that’s when bad stuff happens.

So, the second day I celebrated the 2012 Ant Fest at my place, I completed a more meticulous analysis of the crime scene and this time, I found the reason for the festival. Someone who lives with me, I won’t say who (even though there’s only two of us), had not properly closed a jar of . . . get ready . . . HONEY!!!

Of all the things you can afford to leave open in the house, HONEY is certainly NOT one of them! (followed closely by your mouth, especially if you’re married . . . that’s why I write).

Well, DUH! Of course we’re going to have an entire ant colony moving in with us with an open jar of honey in the cupboard!

Take my advise people, if you can’t lock your wife/children/roomates up in a Tupperware container, then at the very least, leave your HONEY and SUGAR in the fridge. Yes, I know, they don’t “go” in the fridge, but they won’t go bad if you leave them there. Also, keep your dishwasher clean and don’t leave your toaster (with all the breadcrumbs) out on the countertop. Don’t think that hiding it in the cupboard will help either. It won’t. Keep the toaster clean or wash it before it gets too messy. You will regret it if you don’t. Same goes for the microwave.

Now, I hate cleaning. I seriously do. So, I’m cleaning constantly. Not because I like it, but because I hate it so much. I keep everything tidy to make sure I never have to allocate any time at all to cleaning. Washing a dirty toaster is a royal pain in the burger, so if yours is too dirty, just toss it out the window (or drop it in the bin if you happen to have some class . . . though I doubt it if you’re reading my blog). A new toaster will set you back a mere $10-$20 at KMART, so why bother cleaning it? If you don’t clean it, you’ll have to spend that much and more on insecticide after an ant colony of a hundred thousand invades your kitchen.

I’ll leave you with some advice that could SAVE YOUR LIFE from a deadly ant attack should you ever be caught off guard without insecticide of any kind.

BABY POWDER!

That’s right, baby powder repells ants, and I’m quite proud to say I didn’t google that one. I was simply home over the holidays when all stores were closed and I was the innocent victim of a viscious attack by a tactical squad of highly trained ants. I was quietly writing another one of my blasphemous pieces when all of a sudden, I see a trail of ants lining up for their kill (what else could they possibly be doing?). I cleaned them all up with a scented wet wipe to throw them off their trail and manually took care of every single one of them. But I had to do something else to keep them from coming back and baby powder came to my mind spontaneously. I must have jacked into the knowledge of the world thanks to the custom made aluminum foil helmet I was wearing at the time.

I thought, Ants? In my computer room? What are they after? My video card?

But then, after careful examination, the reason for their intrusion became clear. I found a salty piece of POTATO CHIP lying on the carpet next to my PC.

And no, I don’t eat chips in my office. Now you know how it got there.

When I confronted my wife about this heinous act of treason, the explanation I got was:

* I said “your” in-laws. Not mine.